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Prospectus Hit List for September 7



by Ben Carsley

Hit List for August 31 Hit List for September 11
Teams are ordered based on Adjusted Hit List Factor, a computer generated number, and the author isn't responsible for the order of the teams.

Are you ready for some football?

Rk TmWLW1W2W3HLFAHLFWin Div%Win WC%Playoff%1-Day7-Day
1

72

68

71.1

67.3

68.7

.498

.503

0.0%

24.6%

24.6%

-5.8%

1.6%

CHARGERS: Philip Rivers’ personal farm system is better than the Angels’.
2

82

58

84.7

83.5

84.3

.597

.592

0.1%

99.9%

100.0%

-0.0%

1.8%

CARDINALS: Congrats to Carson Palmer on becoming the most statue-esque Cardinal since Albert Pujols.
3

61

77

61.3

60.1

59.3

.438

.433

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

FALCONS: It’s still too soon.
4

71

68

67.1

64.6

65.8

.483

.488

0.2%

10.9%

11.1%

0.1%

-2.8%

RAVENS: After a 4-4 start, look for Baltimore to boost its standings in the AFC North by trading for Jeremy Hellickson.
5

79

61

78.5

75.5

76.2

.552

.557

81.3%

18.3%

99.6%

0.3%

0.1%

PATRIOTS: This smartwatch sign-stealing scandal is completely bogus. A team from Boston would never, ever cheat.
6

54

84

57.0

54.4

56.5

.402

.407

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

COLTS: Well, they’re both down on their Luck.
7

76

63

77.8

81.3

79.7

.566

.561

82.5%

9.7%

92.2%

4.8%

0.3%

BEARS: Ben Zobrist is so damn versatile that Joe Maddon’s going to start him in the slot this week. How zany!
8

61

79

61.9

62.2

63.1

.443

.438

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

BENGALS: 61-79 is a criminally terrible record, so look for the Bengals to try and sign the Reds before Sunday.
9

83

56

89.4

93.2

91.3

.642

.647

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

BROWNS: A cubbie at Progressive Field is literally a Jake Locker.
10

74

65

72.6

69.9

68.7

.513

.508

0.0%

50.7%

50.7%

-9.3%

-19.8%

BRONCOS: The Broncos have an all-world score-prevention unit but are very offensively challenged. They are truly the bizarro Rockies.
11

59

80

60.5

61.5

61.8

.437

.442

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

LIONS: *Extremely satisfied columnist voice* Looks like both the Lions and Tigers will be bears this season.
12

86

53

85.9

89.4

88.7

.629

.634

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

TEXANS: The Astros can look to the Texans for what happens when you exit your rebuild and enter the “perennially disappointing” stage.
13

69

69

61.9

60.1

61.9

.458

.463

0.0%

6.3%

6.3%

1.7%

1.9%

CHIEFS: Andy Reid : Clock Management :: Ned Yost : Bunting
14

92

47

89.5

93.1

92.7

.661

.656

99.9%

0.1%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

RAMS: As bad as Jared Goff is, he’s going to make more starts than Scott Kazmir this year.
15

67

72

65.5

67.2

67.3

.480

.475

0.0%

0.9%

0.9%

-0.3%

-7.3%

DOLPHINS: A team with plenty of star power but poor depth and no recent track record of success? Sounds about right!
16

72

68

70.7

67.8

67.4

.496

.491

4.5%

10.8%

15.3%

-5.0%

-2.1%

PACKERS: I’d say that Sunday marks the day people in Milwaukee stop caring about the Brewers, but really that happened the first day of training camp.
17

72

67

69.1

68.3

68.0

.499

.504

0.0%

39.1%

39.1%

10.2%

-6.5%

VIKINGS: If the Vikings had traded their closer when they were in contention they might’ve beaten the Seahawks. Yes, this is a Blair Walsh joke.
18

74

64

82.9

88.1

87.5

.603

.607

18.4%

76.2%

94.7%

0.3%

6.8%

GIANTS: Jason Pierre-Paul still has better hands than Gary Sanchez.
19

60

79

61.0

58.5

59.1

.429

.424

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

JETS: The Jets have it all figured out. The best way to ensure your ball-throwers are not injured is to not have any ball-throwers.
20

59

80

57.9

63.1

64.0

.439

.444

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

RAIDERS: Thank god Billy Beane can’t trade draft picks.
21

53

86

57.3

57.0

56.3

.402

.397

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

EAGLES: If the Eagles sign Maikel Franco he has to be an offensive guard, because we know he struggles on the defensive end.
22

67

73

64.3

61.2

61.6

.454

.449

0.0%

0.2%

0.2%

-0.1%

0.1%

STEELERS: Le’Veon Bell, Martavis Bryant and Starling Marte should open up a bar called The Banned Substance.
23

62

78

54.0

56.3

57.7

.411

.406

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

JAGUARS: Don’t give me that look; they’re both anonymous.
24

69

71

67.3

66.1

67.0

.481

.486

0.0%

2.6%

2.6%

-2.1%

-0.9%

SEAHAWKS: At least King Felix got to see the Seahawks win a ring. Ok, that’s mean even for me.
25

55

87

57.1

53.7

54.5

.388

.383

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

49ERS: Buster Posey kneels during, like, every game, but you don’t hear San Francisco fans bitch about him. Double standard, IMO.
26

72

67

76.3

77.0

76.9

.544

.539

13.1%

27.7%

40.7%

9.8%

27.0%

TITANS: I figure ex-Ram fans will want to adopt the Titans since they’re built around a gritty run game and an oft-injured arm.
27

70

71

70.5

76.0

76.6

.520

.525

0.1%

6.2%

6.3%

-4.2%

-3.8%

BUCS: If Irma takes out Tropicana Field and Raymond James Stadium is it a natural disaster or a miracle?
28

70

69

73.6

70.6

70.5

.512

.517

0.0%

15.7%

15.7%

-0.4%

3.6%

COWBOYS: The Rangers should sign Tony Romo for their rotation. It’s not like their starting pitchers’ health could get any worse.
29

64

76

60.2

59.5

61.8

.438

.443

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

-0.0%

BILLS: If the Bills are this dead set on alienating Tyrod Taylor maybe the Blue Jays can use him in the eighth?
30

85

54

85.1

86.3

84.5

.613

.608

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

NATIONALS: Is Dusty Baker ruining Kirk Cousins’ arm? My column: