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Prospectus Hit List for April 9



by Matt Sussman

Hit List for April 8 Hit List for April 11
Teams are ordered based on Adjusted Hit List Factor, a computer generated number, and the author isn't responsible for the order of the teams.

Cause we got the hit hit hiiiit list and we got a hit hit list, and we're gonna let it burn.

RkTmWLW1W2W3HLFAHLFWin Div%Win WC%Playoff%1-Day7-Day
1

5

2

5.3

5.3

5.2

.621

.640

22.5%

18.0%

40.6%

1.5%

3.9%

Hector Noesi was designated for assignment as soon as the team discovered his name is an anagram for "Not Cheerios." And who doesn't love Cheerios?
2

5

4

5.9

6.0

5.9

.597

.616

45.5%

22.4%

67.8%

1.3%

1.9%

"Hi, Dr. Andrews, I have this friend whose arm hurts..." "Matt Moore, I know it's you." "How did you know?" "You're still wearing your jersey."
3

4

3

4.5

4.9

5.0

.587

.606

26.9%

18.7%

45.7%

-3.1%

3.3%

Theory: Daric Barton was actually released three years ago but nobody told him or the manager and he kept showing up.
4

5

2

5.0

4.6

4.7

.619

.600

65.7%

11.9%

77.6%

1.1%

2.3%

The plan is to eventually move Ryan Zimmerman to first and Adam LaRoche to the back of the attic, to be discovered in 50 years by Zimmerman's curious grandchildren.
5

5

2

5.0

5.3

5.4

.617

.598

20.1%

17.0%

37.2%

2.1%

10.0%

The downside of a three-homer game on the road is now Ryan Braun has that many more apology phone calls to make.
6

4

2

3.7

3.6

3.5

.573

.593

52.9%

9.8%

62.7%

-4.9%

-0.4%

And the least popular carnival game in a recent survey according to the Society Of Crooked Carnies is the Throw The Ball Past Miguel Cabrera At Third Base booth.
7

6

3

4.9

5.9

5.7

.604

.585

62.5%

23.8%

86.2%

-2.4%

-6.0%

The MRI on Yasiel Puig's thumb took forever because they had to keep telling him not to slide into the machine head first.
8

6

2

5.3

4.5

4.4

.586

.567

28.9%

36.5%

65.4%

0.4%

13.0%

Brandon Belt hit his fifth homer; Steve Suspenders still stuck at zero.
9

4

3

3.9

4.8

5.0

.567

.547

20.1%

20.9%

41.0%

-0.8%

5.1%

Craig Kimbrel currently has a 0.00 WHIP in three innings with six strikeouts. Small sample size, but that number should soon regress to -50.00 WHIP and all strikeouts.
10

4

4

4.7

5.0

4.9

.525

.545

10.5%

6.2%

16.6%

4.0%

0.4%

<-- Even money this is the team with the executive in favor of seven-inning games.
11

5

2

4.5

4.3

4.2

.564

.545

15.2%

11.3%

26.5%

2.0%

3.4%

18th century pirates didn't regress to the mean, so why should these ones?
12

5

3

5.7

5.4

5.4

.550

.530

2.2%

4.0%

6.2%

-1.3%

0.3%

Giancarlo Stanton had that wonderful dream again where he tethers himself to his own home run and leaves Miami forever :)
13

3

4

3.2

3.8

4.1

.496

.516

14.1%

7.4%

21.5%

-3.2%

-0.4%

The Royals don't have a home run yet, as they're all waiting for Billy Butler to leg one out inside the park.
14

3

5

3.6

3.8

3.8

.495

.515

23.8%

24.7%

48.5%

1.1%

-4.6%

It remains to be seen what the team will grow in solidarity this year; here's hoping it's bell peppers.
15

3

5

3.9

3.3

3.3

.485

.505

34.1%

22.1%

56.2%

-0.1%

2.0%

If Josh Hamilton is going to bat well this year, that's an entire folder of jokes I'll need to burn for fuel.
16

4

4

3.0

3.7

3.4

.481

.501

16.0%

17.8%

33.8%

-7.0%

-0.1%

In Yangervis Solarte, the Yankees finally have something the Red Sox don't: a hitting sensation cast off by the Minnesota Twins!
17

4

3

3.4

2.9

2.9

.479

.499

17.3%

10.5%

27.8%

4.4%

0.9%

Over the weekend Cleveland traded for Colt Hynes for Duke von Schamann and Preston Guilmet for Torsten Boss. In a related story, your name is boring and stupid.
18

5

3

3.9

3.4

3.4

.517

.497

50.8%

13.9%

64.7%

0.4%

-0.3%

Jhonny Peralta has two hits on the season, both of them home runs. He'll run the bases when he's darn ready.
19

4

4

3.3

2.8

2.9

.457

.477

10.9%

15.4%

26.4%

2.2%

-0.9%

Wow, Mark Buehrle is throwing some heat! Never mind, the radar gun is stuck on km/h.
20

4

4

3.2

2.8

2.8

.453

.473

16.1%

14.9%

31.1%

1.1%

-1.6%

The Rangers have three home runs on the year and two of them are by Elvis Andrus and Robinson Chirinos.
21

4

5

4.2

4.7

4.6

.486

.466

3.1%

11.0%

14.1%

-2.6%

1.5%

Colorado has also been in better spirits ever since the state Congress legalized recreational Tulowitzki.
22

3

5

3.8

2.7

2.8

.433

.453

3.8%

8.5%

12.3%

2.1%

-5.3%

Delmon Young batted second yesterday for the first time in six years and recorded three hits, including a home run, pushing his inevitable release back a month to, let's say, July.
23

3

4

3.1

2.7

2.7

.428

.447

5.2%

3.0%

8.2%

1.1%

1.9%

Joe Mauer moves to first base and yet his backup has 11 more RBI than him.
24

3

4

3.3

3.3

3.2

.467

.447

7.4%

8.5%

15.9%

-3.3%

-2.8%

There have been eight three-homer games by players in Citizens Bank Park. Two of them (Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth) was done by a Phillie.
25

2

6

3.0

3.9

3.7

.449

.430

11.4%

11.0%

22.4%

-1.9%

-7.9%

Jonathan Broxton is off the disabled list, but his pants seamstress won't be back from materity leave for weeks!
26

2

5

3.0

3.2

3.3

.432

.412

2.4%

3.2%

5.6%

-0.2%

-1.4%

I read the unofficial Cubs mascot knocked out a fan in a bar, but Old Style has that effect on lots of people.
27

2

5

1.9

2.6

2.7

.416

.396

4.5%

13.7%

18.2%

5.6%

-10.6%

Tommy Medica started as their DH last night. Be honest, Padres, on your road trip you forgot to pack a designated hitter.
28

3

4

2.9

2.0

2.1

.411

.392

4.7%

6.0%

10.7%

0.5%

-2.6%

Lifehack: bet a penny on Bartolo Colon winning a Silver Slugger; retire the richest man in the Western Hemisphere and spend all your time reading great Hit List jokes and drinking purified water from the sultan's personal refrigerator.
29

3

5

2.1

2.4

2.2

.352

.370

0.3%

0.5%

0.8%

-0.4%

-1.1%

Not sure why Matt Albers was placed on the paternity list. He'll get to spend time with his child as Baby Albers is scheduled to pitch Friday.
30

2

8

2.7

2.9

3.0

.372

.354

1.0%

7.2%

8.2%

0.4%

-4.0%

They've started 2-8 in two other seasons: 1998 (expansion year), and 2003 (something called Elmer Dessens led the team in starts).