HACKING MASS Results

Our Annual Postseason Anti-Awards

HACKING MASS | Team-by-Team Results | 2000 Rosters | Results By Position

It's that time of year again: the leaves are turning, the chill of autumn is in the air, and the stiffest of the stiff are being recognized for a job vigorously done. Here are the results of this year's HACKING MASS extravaganza.

Roundup

Every season has a surprise, and in 2000 the surprise was none other than HM poster boy Rey Ordonez himself. Ordonez' early season exit from competition, and from racking up at-bats that ended in complete failure, was too much for any top team to overcome. In a competition like this, you need production from every position to succeed, and St. Rey just didn't get it done in 2000.

Our first place winner this year, Eugene Hung and his Designated Whiffers, rode the veteran leadership and can-do attitude of outfielder/MVP Marquis Grissom to the title. Congrats, Eugene: keep exhibiting this kind of eye for talent and the question is not if Cam Bonifay will come calling, but when.

Second place went to seasoned veteran Eric Roush, and in third was the first of Brom Keifetz's many entries. Just as a really early FYI: next year, we take all multiple entries and throw them in the mulcher, so be warned.

Normally, we have a special mention for the Top Team That Didn't Pick St. Rey, but since none of the top teams had Ordonez this season, we'll make note of the top team that had Ordonez starting at shortstop: Mendoza's Disciples finished in fifth place, getting stellar production from every other lineup spot. Arik Florimonte, this is indeed a proud moment for you and yours.

Your 2000 HACKING MASS All Star Team:

C: Mike Matheny (55.96 ESPN)
1B: Ron Coomer (39.51)
3B: Vinny "The Stick" Castilla (80.83)
MI: Alex Gonzalez* (102.43)
OF: Grissom (102.62)

Please visit us in February, when we kick off HACKING MASS 2001 with

free downloadable cookies,
lots of blinking/marqueed text courtesy of your friends at AOL and Microsoft,
and especially lucid guest commentary by human pickle and Baseball Prospectus columnist emeritus Hunter S. Thompson**!

Team-by-Team Results

Team Name	Score
1. Designated Whiffers	327.20
2. "He's Stiff, Jim."	322.80
3. The Little Things That Win Games	313.72
4. Being Kevin Polcovich	308.85
5. Mendoza's Disciples	282.32
6. Randy Smith's Clubhouse Leaders	277.80
7. Snagglepuss	274.92
8. Delorians	257.41
9. My Rey of Sunshine	253.02
10. 31337 H4x0Rs	252.87
11. Stop the bus and let my brother Jack off	252.70
12. We Need a Shutout to Win	249.68
13. Rotten to the Core	247.92
14. ravens	246.21
15. Commissioner Pete Rose and New York City Mayor John Rocker	244.87
16. Iller B's	241.27
17. The Real Killer B's	241.27
18. A cloudy day	237.70
19. The Philadelphia Phillies and A Few Brewers	237.63
20. Subtraction by Addition	236.18
21. Limp Batskit	235.77
22. "Gamers, all"	231.67
23. Joe Girardi's WWJD Bracelet	231.67
24. The Jedi Mind Trick and if that doesn't work Blackmail 'Em Society	231.47
25. The Utterly Anemics	226.98
26. Even the Twins could beat these guys	225.88
27. The Phantom Menaces	225.69
28. "These guys do the "microscopic things" that help you win games. We think. "	223.47
29. Mr. Clean's Reluctant Enemas	223.45
30. Emenius Stiffus	219.13
31. Milwaukee Brewers	218.88
32. It's just too easy to suck with St Rey	218.40
33. Milwaukee Brewers 2000	216.95
34. Future Ex-Cubs	215.16
35. I _KNEW_ we shouldn't have hired Sterling Hitchcock as hitting coach	214.90
36. Junior's Jokers	213.64
37. Guaranteed Money is the Key	212.86
38. "Oh My God, They Killed Offense! You Bastards!"	210.15
39. The Five Tools	209.59
40. Millennium Stiffs	208.53
41. Taking the 'pro' out of 'prospect'	208.21
42. Shooting for 4th Place Yet Again	205.98
43. Good thing Harry's dead...	205.83
44. Ninja Turtle Buzz	203.38
45. Bowa Constrictors	202.07
46. Kingston Quintent	199.79
47. Pray for Rain	199.23
48. "My Brogna Has A First Name, It's R-E-E-K-O"	198.68
49. Smelly Green Sputum	198.47
50. Tampa Bay Devil Rays	198.47
51. The Loved Ones	197.05
52. UK Subs	196.80
53. waY2K	195.96
54. "Pitiful Little Pieces of Crap - New, Improved Version"	194.74
55. Rey Ordonez' Inglorious Stiffs featuring Brian L. Hunter	194.61
56. Night of the Slumposaurus Peoples	193.11
57. South Boulder Omega Males	193.04
58. "God, the Devil & Bob(by Bonilla)"	191.94
59. The Five Tools	190.69
60. Cream Filling	187.96
61. Sammy Khalifa Fan Club	186.94
62. More Suckage than a Hoover in a Black Hole	185.14
63. Davy Lopes' All-Stars	183.85
64. The Unnaturals	180.09
65. The Wreck of the Mike Fitzgeralds	179.18
66. Black 5 Fingers	178.72
67. Woody Woodward's Golfing Buddies	177.79
68. Balboni's Kids	176.41
69. Jerry Springer's Body Guards	175.22
70. More hackers than a quit-smoking convention	175.22
71. "South Krap: Smaller, Shorter, and Severely Cut"	174.86
72. Jenkins' Juggernaut	174.44
73. Rapp's Dogs	174.21
74. The True Hero's	174.12
75. Cordial Boys	173.72
76. Kansas City Royals	173.30
77. I Wish I Were John Olerud	170.43
78. Small markets can't compete	170.17
79. Great Team Chemistry	170.12
80. Curtis Goodwin Rules!	169.81
81. Fat Toads	169.57
82. Stiffs R Us	169.28
83. The Midwest Triangle	167.87
84. Mick Kelleher Fan Club	166.50
85. We keep Jaime Navarro in the league.	165.20
86. Moist Towelettes	163.17
87. eLiTe HaCkeRz	162.32
88. Padres Cleanup Hitters	161.15
89. The Love Hack	159.92
90. Senator Robert Torricelli	159.88
91. The Blank-o's	159.62
92. Mike Private Benjamins	157.22
93. Bubblegoose Boogers -- mmmph!	156.28
94. Punch Like Judy	156.26
95. Don's Sucky Team	156.12
96. Pete Rose's Bookies	154.66
97. The Winless Wonders	154.61
98. The what is juiced?	153.37
99. Computer Geeks Can Hack Better Than These Guys!	153.11
100. Rt. 13 Roadkill	153.08
101. Springfield Isotopes	152.46
102. Corps Pus Crusty	151.63
103. The Mighty Slugs	151.59
104. Grizzly Dohs!	151.19
105. No Rey I'm gonna win without him	150.14
106. "Bats of Meringue (Stiff, But O So Weak)"	148.98
107. Blazing Saddle-Sores	147.67
108. Doh!	143.53
109. "Hack, Flail, and Fail"	142.83
110. Belliard's Avengers	142.23
111. Marty's Mashers	141.65
112. The Dead Sea Squirrels	141.63
113. Belgian Wafflers	139.48
114. What are these guys doing in the majors??	139.18
115. I'd never pick these players elsewhere	138.92
116. Tofu Burger	137.12
117. These Boots Ain't Made For Walkin'	137.06
118. Hapeville Smokies	134.05
119. Tracewski's Sluggers	132.27
120. Chicks dig the weak comebacker	131.94
121. The Downside to Minimalism	130.69
122. Reconstituted Ostrich II	129.20
123. But their moxie alone will drive runs home	128.14
124. Zeroes of Ground Zero	127.45
125. The Dead Sea Squirrels	126.86
126. Seeing Eye Dogs	126.34
127. Bonifay's Blunders	123.15
128. Minnesota Twins	122.71
129. E-2 Brutus?	122.52
130. Garvey's Kids	121.91
131. Bodamer	121.80
132. Dr. Bunson Honeydew's Clubhouse Chemists	121.10
133. eric's errors	119.80
134. NOAACounts	118.40
135. Hunter's Heroes	117.84
136. The PTNBLs Mark II	116.26
137. Sbuc Ogacihc	112.43
138. Flash's Flailers	109.55
139. Rock Hard Rejects	108.82
140. Old & In The Way	108.61
141. The Billy Joe Robidoux's	107.98
142. Urinators	107.70
143. The Great Blewdinis	106.96
144. Oakland Z's	102.76
145. The Cesar Geronimo School of Hitting	101.22
146. Quicker Picker Uppers	100.93
147. We Use Straws	100.62
148. Hudson Falls Battlin' Sloths	100.45
149. Stiffer than Al Gore	100.35
150. Vomitous Varmints	98.87
151. Teal Sox	97.35
152. Copper Throwers	95.39
153. Broadway's Bums	95.33
154. Sentimental Hygienists	95.32
155. Doo Doo pile	94.97
156. Ham's Bone(head)s	94.46
157. Imsuck Whiffersnappers	94.02
158. Gammons' Boyz	93.65
159. The AntiOPS	91.76
160. Newport Chum Line	91.43
161. "I Like Rico Brogna, Leave Me Alone!"	90.72
162. Strikeout Masters	88.60
163. Sal Maglie's Goatees	88.42
164. Impeachable Offense II	88.26
165. Bloody Wankers	87.56
166. Damn Those So-So Garcias	87.00
167. Peter Gammons/Andrew Jackson Fan Club	84.83
168. The Humanity	84.22
169. Florida Marlins	82.82
170. Stupid Ordonez Rule	81.29
171. The Spirit of '08	80.85
172. The Ed Lynch Mob	80.85
173. SNIFF (Strawberry's Nasal Idea For Frills)	79.19
174. Raj's Rockies' Rejects	77.87
175. Dave's Disasters	77.64
176. Iller B's (2nd team)	75.16
177. Buck Martinez All Stars	71.81
178. Hell hath no fury like a belt-high fastball scorned	71.55
179. Witty Team Name	70.61
180. Cordial Boys!	69.14
181. Now hitting from the ladies' tees!!!!	66.93
182. Ya6le Bombers	64.71
183. Atlanta Cowards	60.64
184. We Sport Good-Wood	60.09
185. Kansas' Best Wiffers	59.08
186. The PTNBLs	57.27
187. the Lethargic Lads	56.91
188. "born to be bad, real bad"	54.05
189. Deadweights anonymous	53.21
190. Tim Blackwell's Revenge	52.92
191. Ofers	51.53
192. These Guys Suck	48.75
193. Hershey Highwaymen	45.07
194. Baltimore Orioles 2001 Free Agent Signees	44.38
195. Shea Stadium Stasis	44.28
196. Stever's Underachievers	42.65
197. Drownin Serfs	41.24
198. Pine Boxes	36.82
199. Pusillaneous Twits	35.71
200. The Hope We Sucks	34.37
201. Four Autopsies and a Funeral	32.63
202. Gold Glove Bias	31.85
203. Gary Sheffield 4 President	28.03
204. SpareToFair	27.77
205. Lubbock Raiding Red Raiders	11.74
206. Smell The Glove	5.32
207. The Baltimore Orioles	-6.43
208. raising mendoza	-10.76
209. Unselfish White Guys	-15.73
210. Ugly Sticks	-16.42
211. Glamour Grit	-30.41
212. Tim McCarver's Greatest Calls 2 (The Other None of Them)	-36.69
213. The VomitPigs	-48.48
214. Endor Scum	-131.87
215. Baltimorons	-133.17
216. "Luv Dem O's, Hon"	-134.38
217. Los que No pueden ser 'stiff' si tienen la esposa de Chuck Finley en sus pantalones	-552.61
218. New Pilots	-590.40
219. Testing	-598.50
220. The Browns	-658.12
221. I Eat Beets	-698.07
222. Pete Roses Wannabe Hall of Famers	-704.90
223. London Maulers	-762.71
224. Actual good players	-767.76

* the really young one who plays in Florida. Not to be confused with the less young free agent who thinks he's worth six million per for a long-term deal, despite the fact that he produces less than half the ESPN of the Florida model.

** talent subject to change without notice. No refunds or exchanges. Your mileage may vary.

HACKING MASS | Team-by-Team Results | 2000 Rosters | Results By Position

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