October 31, 2016

BP Unfiltered

Hardware

by Craig Goldstein

PRODUCER: [into headset] Okay and we’re live in 5...4...3… [silent counts 2...1]

ALEX RODRIGUEZ: [prepares for some extra razzing after hardware commercial] nothing can be worse than the Derek Jeter idol comment. you know that. this’ll be fine.

PETE ROSE: i'm about to roast this sucker

FRANK THOMAS: what was that song the band Live did in the 90s...Lightning Crashes? that was good

KEVIN BURKHARDT: Welcome back from that segment of From The Vault a-

ROSE: He owns a whole chain of hardware stores now…

THOMAS: it’s a good song but idk about placenta as a lyric. Not many songs have placenta as a lyric

RODRIGUEZ: don’t bite on pete’s taunt. don’t do it, alex. practice your mantra: calm. cool. collected. centaur.

ROSE: ...What’s your favorite tool, buddy?

THOMAS: “her intentions fall to the floor” that’s some great imagery though. i don’t know what her intentions are in this case, but hey

RODRIGUEZ: ignore it, just let Kevin handle it

ROSE: oh he thinks he can ignore me? i’m gonna the patented Old Man Arm Press: Do you have a favorite tool

RODRIGUEZ: i wish i could call him a tool right now, WAIT-

BURKHARDT: Yeah he’s a plumber too, didn’t ya notice?

THOMAS: ooohhh I feel it, coooomming back agaiiin

RODRIGUEZ [rounds on Pete]: YEAH. YOU! [Maniacal laugh]

THOMAS: like a roll of thunder, chasing the wind

BURKHARDT [morphing into Santa]: OH HO HO HO HO HO HO [shares a high five with Alex]

THOMAS: forces pulling from the center of the earth again, i can f- wait what is everyone laughing at? be cool be cool just laugh with them, think frank what were we talking about? that commercial, okay, you’re fine just laugh

ROSE: that motherf- smile for the cameras Pete

THOMAS: i’m going to have to say something, i haven’t said anything in minutes. we’re all just laughing about hardware just chime in and no one will notice

RODRIGUEZ: i'm going to make this old coot high five my own of h-

ROSE: [Pulls high five back] too slow sucker

BURKHARDT: [loud gasp for air]

THOMAS: now’s your chance frank: HARDWARE

After FOX airs old A-Rod hardware commercial, Pete Rose asks if he has a favorite tool.

A-Rod: "Yeah, you!" pic.twitter.com/1bUQDsG5l4

— Kenny Ducey (@KennyDucey) October 29, 2016

Special thanks to Kenny Ducey for making this clip possible

Craig Goldstein is an author of Baseball Prospectus. Follow @cdgoldstein
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