Minor League Update: G... (08/30)
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August 30, 2013 Pebble HuntingWhat We Rap About When We Rap About BaseballWe've got an extremely long way to go today, so I'm going to skip some forced framing device about a record exec trying to find the next Macklemore, and I'm going to skip the long explanation of how I'm not ripping off Grant Brisbee's amazing MLB Power Rankings series from a couple years ago. No framing device. And I am ripping it off. We'll survive, I hope. What this is is an attempt to subcategorize a category of music that you probably didn't realize existed: Baseball Rap. I found a rap song for every MLB team. I listened to those songs, multiple times. And I've ranked them, here, from worst to best. As you scroll down, you will see that they are also grouped by subcategory. This is because the subcategories are themselves the driving hierarchical force. The best white guy doing fake rap, as like a joke, is still worse than the worst college kid trying sincerely to make something. Quick disclaimer: Sometimes there's profanity, and an occasional slur. Be ready. The extremely bad ideas30. White Sox Description: Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella engage in a rap battle over which side of Chicago has the better Chevy dealerships. "But Sam," you say, "why isn't this under the Cubs section?" Because Lou Piniella rap battles Guillen to straight-up death. Views: 10,773 Actual YouTube comment: can't spell when your flustered ehh? Souvenir:
29. Cardinals Description: Animated cat raps about Albert Pujols under guise of reporting news. Cat raps like church youth group leader would if he swallowed helium and tried to freestyle. Views: 137 Actual YouTube comment: No comments have been left for this video. Souvenir: "My name is Tom Bropaw and I'm here to say, Albert Pujols has seen better days." Non-Rapper Rappers28. Cubs Description: Rap goes awry. Views: 231 Actual YouTube comment: Go Cubs! Souvenir:
27. Mets Description: Craiglist ad for couch gets out of hand.
Views: 2,138 Actual YouTube comment: Mets are the skum of baseball. Gotta love Ghea stadium in Flushing NY. Souvenir: None, really. Not that bad! White People Doing Fake Rap, As Like A Joke26. Pirates Description: "morning freak show" radio duo record joke song about Pirates quest for .500; sample entire video from Tom Green Show. Views: 17,295 Actual YouTube comment: Went to World Series with pirates on 2k11 on Xbox I put when we win a games Souvenir: Joylessly artificial made-for-GIF camera shots that I refuse to GIF 25. Diamondbacks Description: Sincerity of slow jam questioned Views: 429 Actual YouTube comment: now we (the braves) got justin upton and san fransico won the nl west and the world series Souvenir:
24. Blue Jays Description: Canadian blonde girl sends up rap genre by using profane and violent imagery that might be considered discordant with her Canadian blondeness. Views: 17,284 Actual YouTube comment: best muic video on youtube! Souvenir:
23. Yankees Description: Discriminated-against subgroup reappropriates the symbols of its oppression. Views: 128,826 Actual YouTube comment: honestly this sucks i can play a better song with my dick Souvenir: "The song's title is occasionally spelled 'How Ya Doin'?' or 'How Ya Doing?,' but the actual name Haya Doin'? is spelled out by Joe Balls during the song." College Kids22. Rangers Description: Rap about Texas Rangers sounds exactly like rap about Texas Rangers probably would sound like. Views: 3,096 Actual YouTube comment: Badass song Souvenir:
21. Astros Description: Over Super Mario beat, Houston superfan raps about the Astros who "always be gettin' that Wild Card," and proves once and for all that he owns a cigar. Views: 2,036 Actual YouTube comment: **** u Souvenir:
20, 19. Dodgers, Giants (shared rap battle) Description: Slumber party gets cray. Views: 291 Actual YouTube comment: We legit we raw we deserve a blumpkin Souvenir: None. 18. Indians Description: Trevor Bauer names all of his teammates. Views: 36,354 Actual YouTube comment: hey everybody this so called idiot Sherwin stern says Trevor Bauer is a cry baby and not good a all. here is the name of the video "Trevor Bauer is a big cry baby", visit him and say your thoughts Souvenir:
17. Red Sox Description: Eventually gets homophobic, obviously. Views: 2,643 Actual YouTube comment: Mostly the guy himself, saying offensive things about other commenters. Souvenir: "We got a player from an Indian tribe/that's Jacoby and he will turn eyes/His tribe had to run from Yankees/Now he steals things from the Yankees." Minnesota Rap Scene16. Twins Description: Literally the two best rappers in Minnesota are at the top of their game in this, the biggest Minnesota rap song in Minnesota rap history. Views: 160 Actual YouTube comment: No comments Souvenir:
The Remixes15. Braves Description: "This Is Why We Hot" repurposed for ode to Atlanta Braves; group of emcees rap about individual strengths and team unity and the racist tendencies of mob rule. Views: 2,988 Actual YouTube comment: For those who are confused by the mention of "Roy Kimbrel", no, he didn't get his name wrong. That's Rookie Of the Year (ROY) Craig Kimbrel. Souvenir: None 14. Royals Description: "Black and Yellow" repurposed for KC Royals KC Royals KC Royals KC Royals. Views: 327 Actual YouTube comment: nothing in this rhymes. Souvenir: not really 13. Angels Description: "Empire State of Mind" repurposed for ode to Mike Trout; emcee runs down Trout's wide range of skills; bumps microphone; ends abruptly. Views: 995 Actual YouTube comment: No comments Souvenir:
12. Nationals Description: Onyx beat repurposed by fan upset with Nationals' decision to shut down Stephen Strasburg; rapping strong; music video anthropomorphizes elbow. Views: 180 Actual YouTube comment: None. "About" description: "Because everyone has chimed in on this, but nobody has rapped about it." Souvenir:
11. Orioles: Description: "Black and Yellow" repurposed by actual rappers who clearly have a decent local following and who mention The Wire a bunch Views: 163,670 Actual YouTube comment: Like 300 comments in a row by two guys saying horribly racist things to each other in all caps because one thinks black and orange belong to the Giants and the other thinks the Orioles. "I WANT EVERYONE TO GO ON GOOGLE AND TYPE: top city in america 2012...AND TELL ME WHAT IS THE #1 CITY OF AMERICA!!! LMAO! THATS RIGHT BITCHES FRISCO!!! LMAO! **** BALTIMORE!!! WEST SIDE BITCHES!!!" Souvenir: "Home of The Wire..."
The Heck?10. Reds Description: Vine escapes its cage, gets out of control, can't be contained Views: 57 Actual YouTube comment: No comments Souvenir: 9. Tigers Description: Family loves each other, supports each other, is there for each other, doesn't give one toot for what you think about it. Views: 8,569 Actual YouTube comment: okay the dad killed it Souvenir:
Sincere, High Production Value, So-So Flow8. Marlins Description: D-Notes and Skinny the Fatso rap at multi-platinum skill level about the Marlins, "the greatest team of all." Views: 2182 Actual YouTube comment: gentlemen nice work.great rapping,great beat. Makes me wanna grab my baseball bat and swing it like a maniac........Barabingbarabunnngggggg Souvenir:
7. Brewers Description: MC Dreidle says the word Beastmode 54 times, and refers to Judaism Views: 1,384 Actual YouTube comment: "It was a poster for MC DreidAL, MC DREIDAL, not this lame *** **** ****, that makes my ears bleed, MC DreidEl. so poster MC Dreidal, this **** MC Dreidel." Souvenir: "Our Corey has a heart, haha, Tin Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn" 6. Athletics Description: The clearest imitator of the Macklemore model, a fairly serious, emotional, and skillful song that aims for viral attention. Alllmost good enough to escape this category. Views: 36,940 Comments: Weak like a red thong on a man! Souvenir: "Oh we tied at our place? That's a pie in the face" is a legitimately great line. None5. Padres Description: Nobody has rapped about the Padres Views: Nobody has viewed a rap about the Padres Actual YouTube comment: Nobody has commented about Padres-related rapping Souvenir: When I was a kid I was supposed to feed and water the chickens every day but I forgot, for many days in a row, and all but one died. All these years later, I can't even describe how much I still hate myself for this. Talent4. Rays Description: Rap-rock opening originally slotted for "Very Bad Idea" section of list, redeems itself through sheer will and persistence. Views: 424 Comments: not bad for a song thrown together in three minutes Souvenir: Love her.
3. Mariners Description: Actual rapper, million-selling Kid Sensation, raps about Ken Griffey with Ken Griffey; lyrics predictably hacky but credibly delivered, even in Griffey's nasally voice; track produced well. Views: 67,136 Actual YouTube comment: "I'm looking for a Griffey HIGHLIGHT video, not another damn ******* slideshow..." Souvenir: Griffey rapping:
2. Phillies Description: Hero refuses to quit. Views: 7,515 Actual YouTube comment: rap sucks Souvenir:
1. Rockies Description: Surprisingly strong rhymes over clever beat interpolating classic ballpark organ notes. Views: 981 Actual YouTube comment: I'm a pirates fan haha still a good song though Souvenir: You get to non-ironically hit replay.
Sam Miller is an author of Baseball Prospectus. Follow @SamMillerBB
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Fantasy Starting Pitcher Planner: Week 23
No words. Bang, bang, bang, Sam you're a funny guy! Bang, bang, bang, Rap music makes me cry...mothaf**kka!!