January 10, 2012

The Lineup Card

Switched at Birth: 14 Players Who Look Like Other People

by Baseball Prospectus

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1) Bruce Bochy
    

The wisdom and world-weariness written all over Bruce Bochy's face is a good match for that of Robert Forster, but it's not hard to imagine that if he were cast as the Giants' manager, Forster could find Brandon Belt 450 plate appearances and would certainly tell Brian Sabean to round up a few hitters that still have a pulse.—Jay Jaffe

2) Tim Lincecum

Doppelganger: Wiley Wiggins

—Bradford Doolittle

3) Scott Hairston
    

In a parallel universe, Scott Hairston becomes a folk hero when his home run in the top of the 13th inning at Coors Field on October 1, 2007 propels the Padres into the postseason. In another parallel universe, Hairston is a different kind of folk hero who spends his days with a donkey that sounds suspiciously like Eddie Murphy. In the actual universe, Hairston is just a useful spare outfielder who hits the occasional homer and who knows that ogres are not like cakes.—Geoff Young

4) Jack Morris
    

Doppelganger: Magnum PI

—Larry Granillo

5) Albert Pujols
    

A conversation that will probably happen around April: 
Me: Hey, has anybody ever told you that you look like the Salamanca cousins? 
Albert Pujols: Who are they? 
Me: From Breaking Bad? 
Albert Pujols: …
Me: They're, like, hitmen for this drug gang from Mexico or something? 
Albert Pujols: …
Me: They try to kill Hank but then Hank shoots one and runs over the other one in a parking lot? 
Albert Pujols: B**** no spoilers.—Sam Miller

6) Freddy Garcia
    
Doppelganger: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

—Ben Lindbergh

7) Brett Wallace
    

Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!  These are the magic words that Brett Wallace created himself. Don't steal them!  If you get this reference, you get a gold star and my eternal friendship.

There has been a precedent, however, for random people simply changing their appearance to look like Tingle, so perhaps Wallace is not in fact Tingle himself, but rather one of his non-biological brothers a la David Jr.—Derek Carty

8) Tom Glavine

Pitcher Tom Glavine, known for his large strike zone.

Adult film star Randy Spears, known for his large strike zone.

—Ken Funck

9) Kevin Mench
This is my friend Jim Memolo. 

You may know him as the host of First Pitch on MLB Network Radio. He's from the East Coast.

This is Kevin Mench.

You may know him as a professional baseball player also from out East.

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.—Mike Ferrin

10) Billy Chapel and Crash Davis
    

Much like Clark Kent and Superman, Bruce Wayne and Batman, Crash Davis and Billy Chapel have never been seen in the same place at the same time. The question must be asked, are they in fact the same person, or are they truly baseball’s greatest set of twins, switched at birth but destined to be the greatest "thinking" battery combo in baseball history. For your consideration, here are the pitcher and catcher.—Adam Tower

11) Jayson Werth
    
Doppelganger: WWE's The Edge

—Ben Lindbergh

12) Brian Roberts
    

As far as we're aware, Baltimore Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts and Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh are not related, but Roberts might want to look into sneaking onto the coaching staff claiming he's a long-lost nephew of the Harbaugh clan—he'd probably make a better offensive coordinator than Cam Cameron, and it'd be his last chance to win a ring in Charm City.—Jonathan Bernhardt

13) Kirk Rueter
     

Kirk Rueter spent 13 years in the majors as a soft-tossing lefty for the Expos and Giants. He somehow managed to survive (and occasionally thrive) despite a career K/BB ratio of 1.41. He's found substantially more success in his post-playing career by starring in the top grossing movie of 2010 and in being voiced by Tom Hanks.—Dan Turkenkopf

14) Josh Collmenter

Doppelganger: BP alum Marc Normandin, both before and after his hypothetical signing by the Diamondbacks.

—Tommy Bennett (h/t Ben Lindbergh and R.J. Anderson)