No Pepper

I got a few nominations, and they are all laughable (as in, hilarious).

Jason Bay wrote this, seriously (http://fullcount.weei.com/sports/boston/baseball/red-sox/2009/07/15/two-days-ill-never-forget/):

"Well, I had barely got the last word out when Ichiro says something in Japanse. Then his translator turns to me, deadpanned and straight-faced and says, “I’m going to mess with your house.” The way he said it was malicious, and Ichiro is on the floor dying laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. I was just like, “OK, I’ll see you guys out there.” I didn’t know what to say. It was weird."

Ichiro's All-Star Game speech, a personal favorite Ichiro thing of mine (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-ichirospeech071508&prov=yhoo&type=lgns):

"Every year, after the AL manager addresses his team, Ichiro bursts from his locker, a bundle of kinetic energy, and proceeds, in English, to disparage the National League with an H-bomb of F-bombs, stunning first-timers who had no idea Ichiro speaks the queen’s language fluently and making returnees happy that they had played well enough to see the pep talk again.

The tradition began in 2001, Ichiro’s first All-Star appearance, and the AL hasn’t lost a game since. Coincidence?

Um. No.

“I know how important it is to the game,” Ichiro said. “I’m more concentrated at that moment than I am in the game.”

A wide grin spread across his face. Ichiro’s secret had been exposed, so, hey, why not have fun with it?"

How about an Ichiro-Ken Griffey Jr. tickling match? (http://deadspin.com/5292752/griffey-tickles-ichiros-fancy-armpits):

"Ichiro Suzuki spreads a towel on the carpeted floor in front of his locker, lies on his back and begins doing stretching exercises. From Ichiro's blind side, Ken Griffey Jr. pounces, gets his hands deep under Ichiro's armpits and digs in with his fingers.

Ichiro's laughter is almost childlike – genuine and uncontrolled – and after about five seconds he screams the magic word to make Griffey stop.

Junior stands up, walks back to his locker and sits down. Ichiro lies quietly for a moment, letting his body relax, then goes back to stretching as if nothing had happened."

Ichiro: Sabermetrician (http://www.seattlepi.com/thiel/407627_thiel26.html):

"Asked whether he is more locked in at the plate than ever before, he demurred.

"It's impossible to prove that," he said through his ever-present interpreter. "Please analyze it among yourselves. I cannot.""

This page of Ichiro quotes is classic, particularly these two (http://www.baseball-almanac.com/quotes/ichiro_suzuki_quotes.shtml):

"I'm told I either look bigger than I do on television or that I look smaller than I look on television. No one seems to think I look the same size."

And:

"Chicks who dig home runs aren't the ones who appeal to me. I think there's sexiness in infield hits because they require technique. I'd rather impress the chicks with my technique than with my brute strength. Then, every now and then, just to show I can do that, too, I might flirt a little by hitting one out."